Friday, June 13, 2008

My old way of thinking

I did lots and lots of writing back when I was still thinking this was the end of the world. And although I don't feel this way anymore, it is good stuff that people might be able to relate to. So I want to share it even though I thankfully am over this hump. It's kind of like that project called "Mortified" where people read embarassing old diary entries from when they were kids.
So from now on when I don't have anything current to share, I am going to post an oldie but goodie. And I can be grateful for how far I have come.

The biggest minor problem you can have.

I’m back in my apartment, in my room. All I have wanted for the past month of traveling is to be where I am right now, in my bed, with my dog beside me. Which she most definitely is.

What I didn’t expect was that this bed, this room, this apartment would not feel like mine. I didn’t expect that the pictures on my wall, of me with my friends, and family, especially my family, would make me wonder who that person in those photos possibly is.

Who those people are.

Especially the photo of me with my family, taken just a few short years ago. I know it’s me, my sisters, my mom, and my dad. But not one of us is remotely still the person captured in that photo.

For me, it’s also because I now have a chronic disease. [Jeez, Miss doom and gloom. FYI, I realize now this is not a disease. It's just a virus.]

None of this can be shared with anyone, other than my sisters, and as of last week, my best friend.

I entered my room moments ago, suitcases and backpacks in hand, and saw my things, and the photos of me BEFORE. My life is now distinctly separated into BEFORE and AFTER. (But there was also an in between state that happened, a limbo, a purgatory before it all hit me; what could be compared to the eye of a storm.)

When you watch a movie about zombies and find yourself relating to the zombies rather than the uninfected innocents, you know you are truly operating on a whole other level. You can say I am alienated.

Over 10,000 people died in the earthquake today in China, so it could always be worse."

What can I say, I just didn't know any better. I've always had a flair for embracing the dark side. And I guess I had to go through the darkness to get to the light. The thing that made everything seem 10 times worse was that getting this virus seems to have pissed off my nerves, which makes sense since the virus lives in the nerves. It started with a mild sun burnt sensation in the lower back, and then the feeling moved to the general genital area. Thankfully, it has since settled down substantially. Apparently it is common to have this sort of thing for the first few months.


BETHismore007 said...

Hey! Thank you soo much for your response. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words. You are completely right, not telling people I have it when I have sex with them is completely selfish of me, and if I was in their situation, I’d hate me for it. I do plan on telling them, I just need to somehow get the courage! I guess I’m just scared to get the same response as when I told the first guy. He just got pissed off about it, insisted it couldn’t have come from him, and didn’t even get tested or anything. I will tell them, though.
I don’t know what type I have, but I will definitely get an appointment with my gyno the next time I’m home to find out.
Thanks again! :)
love beth

BETHismore007 said...

oh and my latest blog...i asked a question you might be able to answer!

snowbunny said...

Wow, that is exactly how I feel. I relate to feeling like you had a life before, and now you have a totally different one. I even went so far as to put some of my photos away so I wouldn't have the constant reminder. I mourned my "old" life.

I have even told myself to be grateful this is my biggest problem and that I didn't just loose my family and friends to an earthquake in China....I told myself that on a daily basis! Guess great minds think alike :)

My nerves are all super pissed off still too...hope it goes away at some point?

MaRnEy said...

Once again, nice post!!

Anonymous said...

i still get nerve pain in my legs (sometimes pretty bad, aggravated by stress) before an outbreak, and i've had herpes for about ten months. *and* i take daily famvir. i guess it's different for everyone... also mourning my old life, but definitely grateful it's not a life-threatening condition. the whole "no more casual sex" thing is probably a blessing in disguise for all of us :)

Lost said...

Hi, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with herpes. I find comfort in your writing. Im still in limbo, because I have not yet been clinically diagnosed but all the symptoms appear to be herpes. And yes, when I see my pics I always think as "before and after". Only if I could turn back time. :(

But again thank you.

Anonymous said...

Its incredible how a virus can bring people to the same page (emotionally, but your blog page too I suppose lol): I didnt know what I was doing but I too have BEFORE and AFTER'd my life...

...thinking back to a few months back... what I was up to... what I was thinking.. how things have changed. Ive pissed off my nerves too hahaha.

...this too shall pass, right? Right??