So your partnter has told you those three words... no, not "I love you" - not yet, anyway.
They have said "I have herpes."
What now? Well, good news - it's probably not nearly the unpleasant or scary scenario you're thinking of.
Let's say the scenario is a woman telling you she has it:
A quarter of all women you sleep with are carriers of HSV-2, whether they share that with you or not. Most are asymptomatic and therefore go undiagnosed, as herpes is NOT included in standard panel STD testing. If someone is telling you that she has HSV-2, it actually means that she is less likely to spread it to you, since she will be on the lookout for mild symptoms that those who are undiagnosed may miss. It also means that she may be likely to be using daily valtrex or other antiviral medication, and/or condoms to further lower your risk.
The official studies done by Valtrex show that per year of regular sex, the average female to male transmission rates are extremely low, even without using condoms or medication. (which doesn't really help their cause!) Here are the stats:
If ONLY avoiding sex during signs of an outbreak: 4% chance of transmission per year of regular sex
If ALSO using condoms OR daily antivirals: 2%
If using condoms AND daily antivirals: 1%
So, if using all three precautions, there is a 99% chance per year that the virus won't be transmitted! And if the meds and condoms aren't preferable, a 96% chance ain't too shabby either.
For ladies being told that their man has genital herpes, all the same info applies, except the transmission rates are about double. That means you can get your yearly risk of contracting HSV-2 from him down to 2% at the lowest. Also pretty darn low.
And if you're thinking that a lifetime of condoms or dental dams during oral sex is unappealing... those precautions are actually pretty unnecessary. HSV-2 does not prefer to live in the oral area, and there are very few cases of HSV-2 being transmitted that way. When it does manage to happen, the chance it would ever recur is slim to none. Not something worth worrying about in a relationship.
You may also want to ask your partner if she or he has had a type specific diagnosis. It is possible that their genital infection is actually HSV-1 (the extremely common cold sore virus), in which case the chances he or she would ever transmit it, orally OR genitally, is almost zero, even if you are in the minority of people not already infected with HSV-1. My blog has lots of postings about genital HSV-1 if you're looking for more info on that.
I hope this posting helps someone out there who is looking for answers. Genital herpes truly does not have to stand in the way of a relationship. For thousands upon thousands of happy and enlightened couples in the year 2008, it is entirely a non-issue.
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20 comments:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your blog! I randomly came across it today, and it's helped the way I feel about the fact I have herpes myself - keep up the great words!
As someone who acquired herpes after a sexual assault, I can only begin to tell you how hard it is to disclose that kind of personal information to someone else. People assume you get it from "being a slut" - I lost my virginity by being raped, I did not ask for this. I think you are such an amazing person for writing this blog, I'm going to use this it to help tell my new boyfriend about my herpes. God bless you!
I was told about this blog through a forum post. I gss my issue is how much you downplay the tranmission of HSV-2 from oral to genital. Also, all your statistics are concerning the heterosexual lifestyle, what about the homosexual one?
I am a lesbian living with HSV-2 and contracted it from someone giving me oral sex. You say the chances are slim to none or nothing to really worry about, and the outbreaks arent that bad.
News Flash: when I was first diagnosed I was getting OB's every 3 months like clockwork. Once on Valtrex daily I was fine, no OB's. But as soon as I ran out, the OB's came back even more frequent then before.
Maybe I am one of the unlucky few. But I feel viewers/readers should see all sides to this diease. I am in a loving relationship, in which she knows and accepts it, she is negative. We try to have safesex, but anyone who has ever tried a dental dam knows how horrible they are.
As far as statistics go, I know there probably aren't too many studies done with Herpes and the transmission in the homosexual community, I gss I'm pissed b/c there aren't.
Besides my teo main concerns, I do enjoy your blog.
Bless....
LIVE,
I don't know how else to respond to you, since i don't have your contact info.
If you were transmitted the type 2 herpes virus genitally, from someone's mouth, that means that the person who gave it to you is in the 3% of people who have an oral infection of type 2 herpes. those people usually never have a recurrence. (again, to be clear - those who have an oral infection of type 2 usually never have a recurrence.) so it almost guaranteed that she was having a brand new infection and a primary outbreak, and that's why it was transmitted to you.
so since you have type 2 genitally (i'm assuming that was confirmed via a blood test or culture?) you should expect to have the normal genital type 2 symptoms. i never said that genital type 2 rarely recurs. i said that oral type 2 rarely recurs.
But what you really need to know understand is that type 2 genital to oral transmission VERY VERY RARELY OCCURS, and when it does that person would then have a type 2 oral infection, which, again RARELY IF EVER RECURS. so basically what you are protecting your girlfriend against while using dental dams is the very slim chance that she might get a cold sore once and then it would never come back. i don't think that is worth using dental dams for.
i'm sorry, i try to be as clear as possible, but with all the combinations (type 1 oral, type 1 genital, type 2 oral, type 2 genital) it can be very difficult.
if you see this, let me know. i would like to continue this discussion with you. best to you.
As a female with HSV (unsure of which type - I was told by my Dr. that it was impossible to test... surprising, considering what your blog says), I also appreciate your positive and empowering take on living with HSV. It does seem to take on a quite a different view than much of what I've read before however. I suppose my question is where do you get your information? I'd like to read the specific studies where you get your data regarding genital to oral transmission from a woman to her partner. I am in the beginnings of a new relationship and would like to present my partner with as much scientifically proven information as possible so that we can decide together what precautions we will take (he is hsv negative).
Thanks!
Ok, I just posted above asking for more info, then read your next post and followed the link to the Valtrex study. Exactly what I was looking for... Thanks for including that info.
I have enjoyed reading the rest of your blog since coming across it this afternoon, as it is refreshing to see things from your viewpoint.
Keep up the good work. :)
My friend has genital hsv type 1 and she gave the boy she was having sex with hsv 1 through sex, so while I applaud the perspective this blog gives on a very common disease that is totally blown out of proportion I really can't see it being "zero" when he got this disease and when he gets cold sores orally already.
I feel much better that I have found this blog. I have had sex unprotected sex w/ a man a few times this past month..who is on daily suppressive meds but we did not use a condom. I had called a Herpes clinic and spoke to a counselor who told me a condom would not protect me since his outbreak is on his hairline. I thought he cared about me (based on actual words to that fact)...and was willing to take the risk if we were in a relationship that was going to last. Unfortunately, it didn't last...and I am sitting here for the last several days worrrying about every twinge I feel down south. I pray that I did not contract it. I tested neg. for type 2 last week but pos. for type 1. I knew i had type 1 prior to the test. Hopefully that will protect me a little more.
Forgot to include that my test last week was in-between the 2 sexual encounters I had with this man. First time was a weekend beginning of May, then was tested, 2nd time was this past weekend. I am sick to my stomach and still praying that I'm ok. I know I can't get tested again for a little while. When is the best time to do it again? Are the statistics true that if I were exposed that I should see an OB within 2 - 20 days?
Anon who posted on april 12, it is rare to transmit HSV1 to anyone if your infection is genital. And it is even more rare to transmit it to someone if they already have HSV1. I did say rare, close to zero, yes. But not impossible. and apparently your friend is an example of that. But HSV is a complicated thing - is she sure that her genital infection is type 1? is he sure that what he got were actually oral cold sores, caused by type 1? Another thing to note is that is someone is actually having active symptoms, transmission would be a lot more likely. was she having a mild outbreak that she didn't notice until later? i really try to cover all the bases here and i need those commenting to do that same. the goal is NEVER to downplay or be misleading, just to be honest.
Cindy, if you were going to have an outbreak you would within 2 to i believe 20 days. but most never even have an outbreak. so get another type specigic IgG HSV test in 4 or 5 months to double check whether or not he gave you HSV2. but remember that transmission was unlikely (but not impossible) unless he was having an active outbreak at the time of sexual contact.
good luck
I think it's interesting how your stats worked out, because the female to male transmission rate is basically about the same risk of the female getting pregnant despite birth control and condoms. Obviously, that's a risk that gets taken all the time.
I think we feel ashamed or afraid of discussing about our health condition with someone else because it is hard to admit when we are sick
My best fried is a beautiful girl, but she is a little "easy", so she has herpes genital but she doesn't accept it because it is embarrassment!!
Thank you - THANK YOU - for your blog...especially the stats and perspective you provide. This has been a godsend for me tonight, especially this post with the details on transmission rates.
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No, she told me "I love you but I have herpes" damn...
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